Maximum Ride in Five Minutes
by Velvet Liquor
Summary: Flying kids on crack? Ari rides a flying rainbow? Max, after communicating with plants, is on a mission to save the world's population of trees? And why is James Patterson wearing a blonde wig and singing to "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"?
1. THE BIRD BRIGADE!

Max: Hi, I'm Max. Not Maxis, not Maxi, not Maxine. Just Max. I'm a tomboy, and I'm a super freaking awesome mutant bird kid. (Ego boost, ego boost, ego boost)

Fang: I'm Fang. Look at my emo boy hair, and listen to my depressing, fan girl-swooning voice.

Fan Girls: (Swoon)

Iggy: Are we filming yet? (Smacks into camera)

Nudge: Hi, I'm Nudge, and I laugh at chicken and watermelon jokes because I secretly don't know I'm black.

Fang: Really? You mean you honestly didn't know?

Nudge: Know what?

Fang: (Sigh)

Gazzy: Hi, I'm Gazzy, and I can make obscene noises with my bowels! Wanna hear?

Everyone: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gazzy: :(

Angel: Hi, I'm Angel, Gazzy's little sister, and I'm super cute, and everybody loves me! What? What's that? You don't agree with me? Well, you're wrong! (Low demonic voice) I'M FUCKING ADORABLE! YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS! Now, aren't I just so cute? (Angelic smile)

Max: Yup, that's my flock. I'm the leader, because I'm the oldest. I'm fourteen, which means I know every damn thing about the whole damn world, and every little thing in it. (Smug smile)

Fang: Just for the record, none of us are quite sure of the exact date when we were born, so, seeing as how I'm taller, stronger, and, overall _smarter _than Man, I could be the oldest. (Smirk)

Iggy: And since I'm taller than Fang, I could be the oldest for all we know.

Max: Yeah, but you couldn't be the leader, Iggy, because you're blind.

Iggy: (Snorts) I prefer the term _visually impaired_, for your information.

Fang: Ok, Iggy's the smartest, and I'm the strongest.

Max: Where's that leave me?!

Fang: Well, uh, um…

Iggy: Well, you're always the first to come up with a lame comeback, if that makes you happy.

Max: Yes! Wait a second…

Gazzy: Can we just get back to the story now?!

Nudge: Fo' shizzle!

Fang: Nudge, why are you talking like a gangster?

Nudge: I'm accepting my black heritage, fool! (Raises fist) BLACK POWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone: :/

Max: Anyway…

FLASHBACK!!!

Max: (Ten years old, and at the School. Flaps wings) I want to be the President when I grow up! (Cheesy smile)

Scientist: STFU

Max: DX

Present Time!!!

Max: (Sniffle) All I wanted was to have complete and total power over an entire country! Was that really so much to ask for?!

Fang: Ok, can we have a new flashback, seeing as how Max totally screwed the last one up?

Director: (Rolls eyes. Pulls lever)

FLASHBACK!!!

(Flashback shows the scientists fusing the flock's DNA with bird DNA, them growing up, and a random image of Iggy dancing to ABBA)

Iggy: (Stops the flashback) Ok, ok! No more ABBA for you! (Giggles)

Max: And that's how we got these. (Flaps wings)

Iggy: And thus, the Bird Brigade was born!

Max: For the last time, we are not calling ourselves the Bird Brigade!

Fang: Why not?

Max: Because it's stupid!

Nudge: Says who?

Max: I do!

Gazzy: How come you get to decide everything?

Max: Because I'm the leader, that's why!

Angel: Psh. My left ass cheek is a better leader than you!

(Everyone just stares at Angel)

Angel: Well, it's true…

Iggy: How about we have a vote?

Max: Fine! All those for the Flock?

(No one raised their hand)

Max: (Fumes)

Iggy: All those for the Bird Brigade?

(Everyone but Max raises their hands)

Iggy: (Cabbage patch dancing)

Max: Fine! From now on, we're known as…(Sighs) the Bird Brigade.

Iggy: (Happy dances, then smacks into a random coffee table)

**I've been meaning to upoad this thing for _ages_! I mean, I wrote it before my first Twilight parody. XD**

**Go on. Leave a review. You know you want to. It's your secret desire, really.**

**NOW.**


	2. Hitler's Moustache and the Royal Rainbow

Angel: Max, I miss Jeb…(Sniffle, sniffle)

Max: Eh, he bit the dust _way _back, sweetie.

Angel: WAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fang: You're going to make a great mother for some crack baby, you know that, Max?

Max: Not likely, seeing as how Carlito doesn't supply me anymore.

Fang: Carlito?

Max: Yeah, Carlito, our Mexican drug dealer.

Fang: What's with him being Mexican?

Max: Does he have to have a reason to be Mexican?

Fang: Well, no, it's just that every single drug dealer in any movie or television show you see always seems to be played by a Hispanic actor. Just seems like a racial slur to me.

Max: So now you have to be _white _to sell illegal drugs?

Nudge: Fang, you shouldn't be racist toward the brothers, you dig?

Fang: I'm not the one who's being racist!

Gazzy: That's totally narrow-minded of you, Fang.

Iggy: Seriously. Now you're gonna try and tell me that the media always having their Asian actors randomly say "Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto" is _also _a stereotype.

Max: I know, right? The nerve of some ignorant people.

Fang: (Fumes)

Iggy: Anyway, Max, what do you mean Carlito quit on us?!

Max: He told me that he loved our little fling, and that it was great while it lasted and all, but that he doesn't want to be seen associating with mutant bird kids, as it could crap up his business.

Iggy: Damn, I'm all out of Mary Jane, too!

Narrative Max: Other than my crack withdrawal, it started out as a pretty normal day. That is, until I got the worst news EVER.

Max: (Clutching pregnancy test) IT'S A POSITIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone: ?!

Narrative Max: Just kidding. But, no, seriously, the day pretty much started sucking once Erasers attacked us.

Ari: Yo, Max, you got the stuff?

Max: Um, no, Carlito quit on us. And besides, why the hell would I share my hard-earned Mexican-made cocaine with _you_?!

Ari: You little winged bitch! (Punches Max, knocking her to the ground)

Max: (Gets back up and snarls at Ari) SNARRRRRLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ari: Oh yeah, kitty cat…(Licks his lips)

Max: Um…what?

Ari: Don't look at me! It was in the script!

Max: Ok, where's the director?!

Director: You rang?

Max: Listen, I didn't audition for this role so I could get ogled by some prepubescent wolf-hybrid-whatever the hell he is!

Ari: Thanks for that, Max. :/

Max: You'll get over it.

Director: So why are you telling this to me?! I didn't write the script!

Max: Where's Velvet Liquor?!

Velvet Liquor: (Waddles onto the screen, swaying) WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

Max: Um, why are you yelling?

Velvet Liquor: I'M NOT YELLING!!!

Director: (Sigh) You're drunk again, aren't you?

Velvet Liquor: (Giggles) Heh…heh…yeah.

Ari: (Points to script) Why was _this_ added in?! (Muttering to himself) Although I can't say I why all that disappointed…

Max: (Elbows Ari) Yeah, what's with Ari being a totally pedophile to me?!

Velvet Liquor: The idea of an adult wolf-man-hybrid-thingie getting it on with an underage winged teenage girl turns our viewers on.

Max: Viewers?

Velvet Liquor: They likes the nasty stuff in their parodies. (Giggles)

Director: 73% of our viewers said they'd like to see Max have hot monkey sex with Ari, 25% said they could totally go for Max pleasing herself with a Hershey's chocolate bar, and the other 2% said they'd give an arm, a leg, and a used condom to see Max go at it with Hitler.

Velvet Liquor: So be pleased with what you got. All you have to do is mess around with Ari; you _could _be ogling Hitler's moustache right now.

Ari: Max? Making out with Hitler's 'stache? (Shudders)

Velvet Liquor: That's hot. Paris, did I do it right?

Paris Hilton: (Nods) That's hot.

Velvet Liquor: Yay! (Happy dances)

Director: Ok…I need to get you back to your trailer before you start quoting random lines that Jack Sparrow says.

Velvet Liquor: WHY IS ALL THE RUM GONE?! I'VE GOT A BOTTLE OF DIRT, I'VE GOT A BOTTLE OF DIRT, AND GUESS WHAT'S INSIDE IT?! (Starts making out with a random goat that's sitting on a nearby bench)

Director: Never mind.

Max: Are you freaking kidding me?! Our writer is drunk off her ass, and we have to act out the random crap she wrote as the result of three ½ bottles of vodka?! I demand we wait until she gets off her hangover and force to write a brand-new script!

Director: This is why we all hate you. (Walks off with Velvet Liquor)

Max: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU ALL HATE ME?!

Ari: Oh no, he's given away our secret! (Gives Max the Vulcan Neck Pinch)

Max: (Passes out)

Angel: (Passes by, and sees everything) LE GASP!

Ari: (Talking to himself) Dear lord, she just saw her idol defeated with a Vulcan Neck Pinch! She must be traumatized! I mean, this probably altered her entire perception of reality. Perhaps I should take her back to the School, so that the scientists there can remove this painful memory from her brain.

Angel: Um, you do know I can hear you, don't you?

Ari: I can't let you tell the others that I have the prophesied ability to converse with myself! (Gives Angel the Vulcan Neck Pinch)

Angel: (Passes out)

Ari: (Grabs Angel's body) Now, to the School! (Snaps)

King of All Cosmos: (Appears from out of nowhere) ROYAL RAINBOW!

BLEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(The rainbow takes Ari and Angel back to the School)

**ALL FEAR THE KING OF ALL COSMOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**R&R**

**NOW**

**OR ARI AND THE KING WILL BE COMING FOR YOU**


End file.
